Hawk or bat
by T.E.D.S
Summary: You only understand what's important to you if you lose it. How true. And how many people don't do anything to change it... Royai.
1. Chapter 1

Last thing she remembered was burning pain, when she was protecting her beloved and precious colonel by her own body. Some burning liquid splashed on her and she felt only pain before she fell unconscious.

Smell of antiseptics was the first sensation when she was brought round. That's how she realized she was put in a hospital. She hated this smell and she quite well understood Fullmetal when he left hospital before his wounds healed up. And now… now she was lying in this stinking hospital room, not knowing what exactly happened to her…

'Riza?' she heard Colonel's voice. She smiled weakly.

'Colonel… why it's so dark in here?' she asked.

'It's not dark… all the lights are on! Why… why are you crying?'

Riza didn't answer, she just kept crying. She didn't even feel when Roy touched her gently.

'Your skin…' Roy whispered. 'It's burnt. It's burnt so deeply… you saved my life. Thank you.'

Riza still didn't say a word. She tried to touch Roy's hand. He held her hand closely, stroking her hair with his other hand. Several tears fell down from his eyes. All the burnt wounds on Riza's body were bandaged and he was sure they'd leave scars. He cursed these damned Ishbalan terrorists. Right when he wanted to ask Riza to marry him… she was put into hospital for at least two weeks.

'Colonel…'

'Call me Roy.'

'Roy, what exactly happened?'

Roy sighed.

'Those Ishbalan pigs attacked me, and you jumped between me and them…'

'I know this. What was later?'

'…you jumped just when they were trying to splash strong acid on me. It hit you. You fell unconscious, and I could manage with them… you know, they had only this acid to fight… and I called ambulance, they took you here… and that is.'

'Acid…'

'Yeah. Does it hurt a lot?'

'No. I… I don't feel anything.'

'I see… it burned you too deep…'

Riza sighed. She didn't want to talk now. She wanted only to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Roy sat there, by Riza's side, until she woke up again. She rose slightly.

'Roy… forget about me' she said. He looked at her, shocked and confused.

'Why? Riza, I could never forget about you!'

She cried.

'I'm useless to you now. Roy, I've gone blind.'

'WHAT?!' Roy shrieked. It was impossible, his best sharpshooter, sure hawk-eyed Riza – blind? He blamed himself – maybe if he did something right when they splashed this acid on her, she'd save her eyes?

'Roy… I know you want to become Fuhrer… so now… just forget me and go forward. I'm useless as a sharpshooter now. Leave me behind and move alone… you won't reach the top, carrying me with you.'

'Riza, I don't want to be alone on top…'

'Better be alone than not to be…' Riza sighed. She was crying again. Roy wiped her tears.

'Riza… I wanted to ask you before, and I know it's not the right moment, but… will you marry me?'

Riza shook her head.

'I'd be waste of place… waste of your time… I'm useless, Roy. I hope you can see this…'

'Riza, you aren't useless… I love you as a person, not a sharpshooter… I love you.'

'I knew this… and I love you too. That's why I want you to leave me... and forget me! Come back to grab me when you are Fuhrer, but don't give it up because of me!'

Roy smiled and stroked her hair again. Then he went away, closing the door and leaving her alone.


	3. Chapter 3

'Good morning, Colonel… where is Lieutenant Hawkeye?' Ed asked, coming into office. Roy sighed.

'She's gone for a vacation' he said calmly. Ed looked surprised.

'For a vacation?' he repeated. 'Are we talking about the same person? First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, best sharpshooter in the whole military, the only one who can get you working, the one who disciplines most strictly in this whole world…'

'Yes, Fullmetal, we ARE talking about the same person' Roy seemed irritated. 'Don't you think she deserves a vacation sometimes?'

'She does, but…'

'No buts. Will you finally hand me this report?'

Ed wondered why colonel was so irritated. Was this because of first lieutenant Hawkeye not being there? But if so, why was he working on his paperwork so hard? Ed had no idea. Somewhere behind him second lieutenant Havoc shook his head. Ed put his report on the Colonel's desk. Roy opened his drawer, took out of it a red pen and spent good half an hour correcting Ed's spelling mistakes.

'Fullmetal, I have a gift for you' he said and gave him a book. Ed looked at the title and his eyes widened. "Mini Spelling Dictionary"!

'Use this next time you are going to hand me a report' Roy said sarcastically.

'WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A MINI ALCHEMIST WHO SHOULD USE A MINI DICTIONARY BECAUSE NORMAL ONE IS TOO BIG FOR HIM?!' Ed roared. Roy just smiled weakly.

'I didn't say such a thing. I just thought it would be enough for a present from superior for subordinate… and I've got enough of your foolish spelling mistakes. Check it thoroughly for the next time. Correct this report and give me it again. Now please leave… I'm a bit tired.'

Ed realized it was true. Colonel looked very tired. And again Ed saw no reason.

'Um… don't you want anything for giving me this dictionary?' Ed asked. 'Equivalent trade…'

'Oh… yeah, there is something I want. I want next report with no spelling mistakes. And could you recommend me a good book about chimeras?'

'Chimeras?' Ed repeated. 'Why are you interested in them?'

'I'd like to widen my alchemy knowledge, it's all. I know you know quite a lot of them, so…'

'Oh yeah, there is a book I could recommend. It's "Composed life" by Roger McLean.'

'Thank you, Fullmetal.'


	4. Chapter 4

Riza yawned. She had already left the hospital and was spending her whole time at home. After this accident, she received disability pension, so she didn't have to worry about money. No, her worries were rather connected with people. She felt very lonely and bored, as she had almost nothing to do. What could she do anyway? Learn to read Braille's alphabet? Talk to Hayate, the only creature by her side? Of course, friends from headquarters kept coming and visiting her most every day, but they could stay with her for half an hour a day, not more. She understood this, they had their own life. But it couldn't stop her sadness.

She learned to recognize Falman, Fuery, Havoc, Breda and Hughes just hearing their breath. Hughes often came with Elicia. This little girl was so extremely cheerful that Riza even started to smile with her. And only Roy never came.

She knew it was only her fault – she told him not to come. But she missed him a lot. Unable even to look at a photo of him, she yearned for hearing his voice, touching his hand, smelling the mild scent of his skin…

She spent a lot of time sleeping and dreaming. In her dreams, she could see again. She knew she was deceiving herself this way, but it couldn't be helped.

One day, Breda brought "Braille Scrabble". It was Sunday, so he could spend more time with her. All the stones were double-signed: they had the same letter written in Roman and Braille's alphabet. This way Riza could play with him.

'Seems you're doing well replacing your sight with other senses' Breda said, putting the word "dashing" on the board. Riza touched the letters for a while and put the word "colonel".

'Quite well, thank you' she sighed. 'Your turn.'

Breda looked at the board for a while before he put another word.

'How's the Colonel?' Riza asked. Breda hesitated for a while.

'You haven't see… met him for ages, have you?' he smiled. Riza sighed.

'Actually, last time I met him was at the hospital. How's he doing?'

'Quite well, but he misses you a lot. It's strange he hasn't come to visit you… oh, and he looks alienated right now. He stopped going for dates, all the evenings he spends alone, at home. No one knows what he's doing there, he's very quiet… your turn.'

Riza sighed. She didn't want Roy to be sad because of her… she couldn't help crying. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Riza went to open. Sound of breath, scent of skin, and, what was most characteristic – smell of tobacco smoke.

'Hello, Havoc' Riza said, smiling weakly. Havoc hugged her.

'Don't cry, Riza' he whispered right to her ear.

'She's amazing' Breda said. 'Recognizes us all, not seeing…'

'It's simple. I hear your breath, smell your skin… and Havoc is even simpler. He smokes a lot…'

Havoc blushed.

'I'm sorry' he said. Riza giggled a little.

'No, it's okay. You breathe almost like Armstrong, so it only makes you easier to recognize…'

It was true. Almost no one notices sound of breathing, but Riza had no other choice. Other senses had to make up for her blindness.


	5. Chapter 5

Roy sighed heavily. He understood bloody nothing of this bloody damned book about chimeras. And it was crucial for him to understand. Besides, he hadn't seen Riza for ages. Two months without her! Almost every day he kept walking to her, but then he kept remembering what she had told him. After all, he walked home and tried his best to understand making chimeras.

At work, he pretended that he didn't miss Riza. The ones who didn't know him well enough could be deceived, but all his closest subordinates knew what he really felt. He worked his hardest. If Riza were with him, he'd have to do this anyway. Plus, having all his work done even before it had to be done, he had more time for what was the most important now.

After he learned that Fuhrer was homunculus, everything seemed easier. He planned to get rid of him just after he learns about chimeras. And he needed experimenting.

He met Fullmetal in a pet store. He tried to pretend that he hadn't seen him, but the small alchemist turned his head and noticed him.

'Colonel, where is First Lieutenant Hawkeye?' he asked. 'And don't lie, she can't be on vacation so long!'

Roy had no other choice but tell the truth.

'She's left the military' he said calmly. Fullmetal seemed shocked.

'What happened?' he asked. 'She wouldn't do this on her own will. Something bad must have happened, and I'm sure you know about it!'

'She's had an accident while protecting me' Roy still played calm, but Ed wasn't deceived by his voice. 'She's gone blind, so she left military.'

'But…' he started to say, but the store clerk called him.

'Hey, you blond pipsqueak, are you buying anything?'

Roy watched with a true amusement how the Fullmetal boy was trying not to show his rage.

'Five kilos of some cheap cat food please' Ed said, paid and took the bags. Roy was next.

'Seven rats, two mice, three hamsters, a degu and a cage please' he said casually, just as if buying thirteen rodents at once was something normal. Ed looked at him, dazed. What was he up to?

'Hey! Are you trying to replace Riza by some animals?!' he asked angrily. Roy smiled, carrying the cage with animals.

'No. I want to replace Riza's eyes.'

'With animal's ones?' Ed asked. Roy burst into laughter.

'Fullmetal, are you really such an idiot or are you pretending, just to make me laugh at you? Of course I'm not going to give Riza their eyes. Even if I did, she wouldn't see as a human, as most animals are at least slightly color-blind. I just need some practice. Experimenting on animals, you know…'

'So that's why you wanted to study chimeras!'

'Yeah, that's the reason. I asked Doctor Marco, but he refused to help Riza. So I must do this myself.'

'I see… hey, maybe this way I could get my limbs back!'

'Yeah, I believe you could.'

They both walked home. Ed was excited. This way he wouldn't restore Al, but he could get rid of his automails…


	6. Chapter 6

Time passed quickly, day after day, week after week, month after month. Riza got used to her blindness. She read books written in Braille, knitted a little bit, started walking with  
Hayate again and still played Scrabble with Breda, Havoc or Fuery. She was aware of her appearance, as she knew that acid burns nearly always leave horrible scars. No one told her she looked bad, but she knew this anyway. Hayate could lead her through streets. She quite enjoyed walks, feeling the city with all other senses but sight. Only once she bumped into someone – then she always asked someone to go with her. It was very pleasant.

One day, exactly a year after she'd gone blind, she was sitting at the table and making something when she heard the doorbell ringing. She went to open. It was Hughes with Elicia. She smiled and greeted them.

'How do you manage to keep this all tidy?' Hughes asked. Riza laughed bitterly.

'I have no other choice. This way I don't need my eyes, as I know where is everything.'

'Nice. What are you making?'

'A picture of Roy…'

'Oh. Can I see?'

'Of course, but it's rather to touch.'

Hughes touched the picture and laughed.

'Awesome! Roy, just like real one! Touch it, my little Elicia-chan!'

'How is Roy?' Riza asked. She asked this question every time someone visited her.

'Not very well. I tell him always to get married soon, but he just sits there at his… he works really hard. No dates, no wasting time… he even stopped going with me for beer! He's always saying he has something important to do. He gets his work done really quickly, I don't know how, but he manages! He lost some weight and he doesn't smile at all. He seems always bored or tired. I think he misses you, I have no idea why he's not here…'

Riza started crying.

'It's my fault…' she whispered. Hughes patted her shoulder.

'Of course not. You did your best protecting him. You've sacrificed the most important thing you had… for his sake. If you weren't there, he'd die. Don't cry… he'd eventually realize you can't be replaced.'

'Replaced?'

Hughes hesitated for a while.

'He bought himself a lot of pets, mostly rodents. He spends all his free time with them.'

'Maes… please tell me the truth. I look awful, don't I?'

Hughes hesitated again and put Elicia on Riza's lap while thinking over this question.

'No, you still are beautiful. Maybe if I didn't know how you got these scars, I'd think different way. Don't think that Roy doesn't come because he thinks you're ugly. I'm sure he appreciates your sacrifice.'

Hughes hugged both Riza and Elicia. Riza kept crying on his shoulder. She got awfully weepy after she'd gone blind, but her friends didn't consider it weird. Which sharpshooter wouldn't?


	7. Chapter 7

Another two years passed. Black Hayate was trained to lead his blind master. Riza didn't need anyone else to walk. Only Hughes visited her sometimes, but his visits were rarer and rarer since his son, Montressor, was born. He was now eighteen months and Riza wasn't good company for Hughes, as he spent most time showing his son's photos and Riza had technical problems with watching them. It seemed everyone forgot about her. Only Hayate stayed by her side. Hayate could hear her crying every night and tried to cheer her up a little bit. And every night she ended up taking her dog to bed and falling asleep while stroking him, her only true and real friend.

Of course, she didn't blame Havoc, Breda, Falman or Fuery; she heard that they were transferred somewhere else. Neither did she blame Roy – she told him herself to leave her alone and reach for the top. But Rebecca and Hughes, they were still in Central, they could visit her sometimes… when she came to visit them, they were kind, but she somehow felt she shouldn't come there. Maybe it was because of her face… they also rejected invitation from her…

Useless. Just like Roy in the rain. Thrown away, like a broken toy. Abandoned by her friends… if she could call them so. Abandoned by the whole world. Getting no news. Only Black Hayate would notice her death. He was now much bigger than three years ago, so he ate more. Riza could cook without her eyes. She just had to keep all her stuff in order so that she could know her flat by heart.

Tiding up again, she found something cold and metallic, something familiar. Her gun, this one which Roy gave her for birthday several years ago, was lying uselessly in her drawer. Useless like me, Riza thought, picking up the gun. It was always ready to fire, just unlock the safety lid and point to the temple… now just pull the trigger to end this nightmare…

Right when she was pulling the trigger, Hayate jumped at her, dragging her arm. The bullet hit the ceiling. Riza fell down, almost knocked out by Hayate, and dropped her gun. Her heartbeat was very quick and she was gasping heavily. She patted her dog's head.

'You're right, Hayate' she whispered. 'I… I shouldn't escape. It's running away, a suicide. And if I did it… who'd feed you?'

Riza smiled weakly. The gloomy feeling of uselessness didn't leave her, but now at least she was able to stand up to the next lonely day.

///

With Ed's help, Roy finally understood making chimeras. Of course, Ed didn't want to do this for free; he expected Roy to "find limbs for him". Roy agreed, as he already knew who could be the donor...


	8. Chapter 8

The doorbell was so sudden that Riza dropped the fork she was holding. She went quickly to open. The breath she heard – breath of two people, from which one was calm and the second was gasping heavily – was unknown to her, just as scents of their skin.

'Good morning' she said, quite surprised. Someone hugged her.

'Riza' she heard Roy's voice. 'I'm so happy to see you again.'

'Come in' she said. 'I'm happy to meet you, too.'

Roy leaded her to her bedroom and laid her on her bed.

'Stay still' he said. Riza heard something scratching her sheet and fast breath. Then Roy put her hand on his shoulder.

'Surprise' he said, smiling. She felt it and smiled, too.

'You are Fuhrer…' she whispered.

'That's true' he said, gently touching her lips with his own. 'I've reached the top and came back to grab you, just as you told me to do. And there are some more things…'

Riza heard the sound of transmutation and a shriek of pain. Roy lifted up her head.

'Open your eyes' he said jokingly. Riza did as he told her. She saw Roy's smiling face above her.

'Oh… I can see again?' she whispered, truly amazed. Roy nodded and kissed her warmly.

'All the time I didn't have to work, I was learning the transplantation alchemy. I was reading about making chimeras and experimenting a lot. Finally, yesterday I managed to do two things: I became officially Fuhrer and I transplanted eyes of two prisoners to each other. I could to this with animals before…'

'And… whose eyes…'

'I knew you'd ask about this!' Roy laughed. 'Remember this Ishbalan pig that made you blind?'

'Of course…'

'Well, you got his eyes.'

A blind Ishbalan with handcuffs on his wrists and ankles was lying near Riza's bed.

'When he got caught?' Riza asked. Roy stroked her hair.

'Several days ago. He got death sentence and his execution will be tomorrow… I let myself and Ed use him. You know, equivalent exchange... Ed helped me to understand making chimera and he wants new limbs.'

Roy seemed to hesitate for a little while, took the Ishbalan, gave him to a soldier outside and came back to Riza.

'I wanted to do that three years ago. Riza, I love you. Will you marry me?' he asked, showing her a little silver ring with a ruby. Riza sighed.

'Don't you deserve a prettier girl?' she asked. Roy hugged her tightly.

'I think I don't deserve you. You are the only one I'd consider to marry. Don't worry about these scars. Even if you think they make you ugly, I insist that nothing could make you more beautiful.'

'More than these scars?' Riza asked ironically. Roy nodded.

'These scars will always remind me of your bravery and loyalty. Remember, you weren't my only subordinate near me when this happened, but only you had the courage to save me. You should be proud of this. And I'm sorry that I gave you red, ishbalan eyes…'

'Don't be sorry. I'm happy that I can see again! It's great you gave me any eyes!'

Roy laughed, hugged her and kissed.

'It's also great you saved me. I love you.'


End file.
